Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
