just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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