Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
