why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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