i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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