sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
