I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
