ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize