dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
