Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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