Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
