I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
