It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
