Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
