my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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