I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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