He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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