I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
