What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
