I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
