my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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