She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
