Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
