you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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