I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
