about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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