your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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