Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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