first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
