My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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