did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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