I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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