i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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