My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
