i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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