My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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