My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I touched a dick in church today
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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