Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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