He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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