i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
