I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
