The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
