she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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