i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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