You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
