my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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