I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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