So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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