I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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