Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
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