I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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