I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
