I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
