It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
