not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
