I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm passing your future prison.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She bit a glass in half.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
