So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
what the fuck happened to the tacos
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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