Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize