just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
